Dating and Relationships with Alcohol

alcoholdatinganddrinking
Written By Sasha J Moore

Introduction

Modern day dating is often fuelled by alcohol. While it may provide a social lubricant which may ease us through the initial awkwardness of romantically connecting with another human, when used to excess it can indeed be a slippery affair! Let’s face it, often the high octane effects of alcohol can influence us to initially see our love interest through rosé tinted glasses.

The evidence shows that Western societies do have a troubling relationship with alcohol. Research shows that if we begin drinking before age 15 we are more likely to report having risky drinking or a diagnosable Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) in the past year compared to those who waited until age 21 or later to begin drinking. Mental health conditions and a history of trauma also increase the risk of AUD. Genetics also play a role, with AUD risk being influenced by the interplay between a person’s genes and their environment (e.g. parents’ drinking patterns).

For note, clinically-diagnosable AUD is based in part on how much, how often, and how quickly alcohol is consumed, whether this is causing harm or impacting one’s life (e.g. work, family, relationships), and if it is difficult to control or stop.

What are the Negatives?

For those more puritanically-minded, risky drinking levels are associated with increased dating and sexual partners. The role of alcohol can also differ between genders, with the drinking habits of women often being relatively more influenced by relationship-related stressors serving as a coping mechanism for addressing relationship difficulties or emotional distress. This is particularly evident if used to mitigate trauma, with stable relationships reducing trauma-induced hazardous drinking.   

Excessive alcohol consumption often undermines relationship satisfaction, with research linking heavy drinking to lower marital quality, risk of domestic violence, and a higher likelihood of divorce. Potential general harms to the emotional health of a relationship can also occur. After all it is not a blessing when we can’t recall important conversations or are in bed hungover missing out on bonding morning walk through the Sunday markets.  

Are there any Positives?

When alcohol is consumed in moderation, drinking with a romantic partner can potentially enhance feelings of intimacy and connection, fostering a positive relationship environment. While there is a strong evidence for living an alcohol-free salubrious life, a moderate approach to alcohol is also a path which for some can be navigated. For men in particular with a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, data has shown that romantic relationships can provide a protective health effect.

One psychological theory which interfaces nicely is the consideration of Sternberg’s ‘Triangular Theory of Love’. This consists of three components: ‘Intimacy’ (emotional closeness and our sharing of thoughts and feelings); ‘Passion’ (involving sexual desire and attraction); and ‘Commitment’ (the decision to maintain a relationship in the long-term). Alcohol via enhanced behavioural inhibition can influence these first two elements by acutely increasing emotional intimacy, desire, and attractiveness (cue wearing of rosé tinted glasses). The neurochemical tweaking of dopamine and serotonin in the presence of someone attractive to us can mutually reinforce the pleasure and addiction response.  

However long-term excessive drinking can impact commitment and relationship stability, potentially from trust issues or broken promises. Large cross-sectional analyses have in fact shown that lifetime marriage dissolution is higher for those with AUD. As we know, a lowering of inhibitions can also lead to risky impulsive behaviour and poor coupling choices… and in some cases a next-day ‘Walk (or run if you are fitter) of Shame’.

How about the Mental Health Interface?

ADHD, anxiety disorders, or depression puts people at higher risk for AUD. In ADHDers (see this article for more), while alcohol can temporarily ease symptoms like restlessness, it can also exacerbate impulsivity and potentially poor decisions. For those with anxiety, alcohol may commonly be used to self-medicate. While this provides short-term dating relief, it usually exacerbates next-day anxiety (try dating sober with a hangover…). Those with depression may also use alcohol to temporarily boost mood, but like with anxiety it tends to only provide a short-term solution.

A final comment is that excessive alcohol use can also impact sexual functioning and performance (i.e. the Brewer’s Droop or depending on your tipple, the Wino’s Wilt).

“ Sometimes looking back I can see I should have pulled the plug after only one drink- save my time, bank balance, and my liver!”
— JA

Advice

So now that the sobering news is out of the way, what aspects should we consider when throwing alcohol into the dating & relationships mixer?

Well it is fair to say that alcohol plays a complex role in dating and relationships, with both positive and negative effects depending on consumption patterns and individual factors. Communication and trust are key elements of a healthy relationship, and alcohol use can significantly impact both. When consumed irresponsibly alcohol can foster secrecy and dishonesty, leading to emotional instability and mistrust, with bingeing causes increased same-day arguments.

The green-eyed monster also appears to feature, with research showing that jealousy can mediate the association between relationship-derived self-esteem (see this article for more) and alcohol-related problems. In other words we need to be mindful of the impact of envy and jealousy and our sense of self-worth in relatoionships, and what is the influence of drinking in the mix.    

These challenges can contribute to frequent conflicts and unhealthy patterns of interaction. Interestingly, a partners’ perception about whether the other is drinking too much could be more of a negative factor than the actual amount consumed (even for relative mild drinkers). Mismatched (discrepant) drinking habits, such as one partner drinking heavily while the other abstains can create tension and hinder effective communication. However, when both partners drink responsibly (and at a similar relative intake level), it can promote understanding and a sense of togetherness, allowing for more harmonious relationship dynamics. This is especially so for older adults.

If in the cut and thrust of singlehood (and potentially dating multiple people), this may be associated with higher alcohol use compared to exclusive relationships. So it can be a real balance between juggling time invested in romantic co-mingling and the maintenence of our health.

Curiously, for the younger GenZ generation, dating research has shown that nearly 2/3 of those surveyed  say they would prefer a dry date over a date involving alcohol. However for many, abstinence is not necessarily the goal. There has been an increase in Mindful Drinking with moderation approaches including the concepts of “Zebra Striping” and “Damp Drinking”, which have been popularised on social media.

Zebra Striping involves alternating between alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. The Damp Drinking philosophy is where people may decide to drink only on special occasions, or in moderation. One potential dating application could be only drinking with a meal rather than for drinking sake. Wine certainly can pair wonderfully with food, and we are less likely to over-indulge on a full stomach. Of course sitting through a meal this requires more time and financial commitment than a quick coffee meet and greet… so make the judgment whether they are worth it!

For some dating can be a white-knuckle affair which requires drawing on innate courage or ‘fearing the fear and doing it anyway’. The standard daytime coffee/tea date can be an option, or if finding it more relaxed to have movement and freedom, alternatives like hitting balls at a driving range, visiting an art gallery, or simply going for a walk and talk (safely) in nature are other ideas.

Take Home Tips

Lived Experience

So let’s hear from our lived experience guests: JA aged 42 (M)

  • In your experience, how does alcohol play in the early stages of modern dating?

    I feel that it is used often to access. Certainly I am pretty guilty of mixing in drinking with dates. It is hard I think trying to go it stone-cold sober when meeting someone for the first time… In my opinion there can be nothing worse health-wise when you go out on a terrible date, as I tend to drink too much as I figure I may as well have fun while there. Sometimes looking back I can see I should have pulled the plug after only one drink- save my time, bank balance, and my liver!

    Do you think people are more likely to reveal their true selves after having a drink, or do you find that alcohol can lead to a false sense of connection during a date?

    Both really. But probably more that too much alcohol can create a false connection. In the cold light of day the connection can absolutely feel different. That said, having a date over a drink or two can be fun, and at times in relationships I can definitely feel more connected. People tend to reveal more of themselves and this can boost the bond.

    What are some of the challenges you've seen in dating or relationships when alcohol becomes a regular part of the equation? 

    There can be lots of challenges if drinking becomes part of the equation all the time. At some stage you really have to see each other sober! And that reveals I think where you are truly at… So I guess if you are a couple who likes a drink then it depends perhaps when you do this. Personally, if I like them and can see a potential future, I think before the 4th or 5th date it is ideal to do a coffee, or a nature walk, or have a healthy night in to see if it is more than the influence of great food and wine.

    Have you tried any sober dating or dry events and if so how have you found it?

    I have tried to do the sober dating thing. This sounds terrible… but I’ll only do this if I am really interested in the person. In a sense being on my best behaviour, and I figure if it goes well then it is real. Otherwise, and this is just my opinion, sober dating can be a very akward event.

    Have you had any issues with alcohol in previous relationships, and if so any wisdom on creating any balance?  

    I have oddly found this to work both ways. Sometimes I have had relationships where you both drink together fine and also have nights off. I find that the drinking level moderates because you are settled and happy. However in some relationships if I am unhappy my drinking increases as a way to escape or vent. I think that perhaps when the drinking increases then this is a good warning sign to assess the relationship. That said, if alcohol is accompanied by great experiences, is social, and doesn’t harm your health, then it can be a great part of life. For me though, I really do need to take the temperature on my drinking make sure any dating or relationship isn’t driving me too much to the bottle.

The Wrap

Reflecting on my own relationship with alcohol over the years, it has been one of those on and off romances which sometimes feels like being at the mercy of an abusive partner. I often contemplate that given how rampant its use is in Western Society, we need to constantly do a self-check to see if it’s a ‘sometimes’ accompaniment, like a Pinot pairing with a nice creamy Brie, or if we are fitting the dating or relationship around the drinking.

I think the first thing is to deeply assess the role alcohol is playing our life, and then by extension our romantic life. It can be very easy to automatically associate dating with drinking. “Meet you at the local bar for a drink”, “shall I bring over a bottle of wine for dinner'“ is often standard dating parlance. Personally I find that the most wonderful of connections which can occur is the first time you feel comfortable enough with each other that alcohol does not feature as much. The healthy activity, the movie, the experience of cooking and relaxing over sober conversation and laughter.

But admittedly, there is still something so seductive about great wine while out at dinner followed by a disinhibited night imbibing while smashing out some karaoke. Good memories are certainly made… yet however with alcohol perhaps also equally forgotten.   

~DRW  

Sasha J Moore
Next

Dating and Relationships with Self-Worth