Dating and Relationships with Attachment and Commitment
Introduction
Knowing your ‘attachment style’ nowadays appears to be basic conversational dating subject matter. Originally developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory sought to explain how infants form emotional bonds with caregivers, and the distress experienced upon separation. The theory posits that attachment behaviours are evolutionarily adaptive, promoting infant survival by keeping the kiddies close to caregivers.
Secure childhood attachment is created by confidence in a caregiver’s responsiveness and availability, while avoidant attachment is promulgated by an emotionally distant caregiver, provoking feelings of rejection. Anxiously attached infants may be clingy due to experiencing disconnection or persistent decreased proximity.
A key application of this theory is that the same attachment styles seen in infancy still manifest in adult romantic relationships. This continuity in part is explained by the persistence of people’s inner mental models developed in childhood. In other words our attachment style extends well beyond crib and all the way to the bedroom. Twin studies show significant effects of shared environment with some genetic influence, meaning that our childhood environment and parenting has a more potent effect on attachment style than our genetic make up.
What are the Main Attachment Styles?
There are generally regarded as being three main attachment styles reflecting these dynamics in relationships:
Secure: People tend to experience relationships that are characterised by trust, friendship, and positive emotions.
Anxious:* Increasing preoccupation with relationships, experience of emotional highs and lows, often fearing abandonment. Potentially physically or psychologically abandoned in childhood which later manifests as neediness.
Avoidant:* Often fearing closeness, lack of trust, and may be emotionally distant. By limiting future closeness the intention is to reduce the chance of rejection (childhood efforts to achieve care and support having been futile). Increased promiscuity may occur, reinforcing detached behaviours.
*Some may present with a combination Anxious-Avoidant style (also known as ‘disorganised attachment’), and may have a ‘push-pull’ dynamic in relationships (discussed more below).
The distribution of attachment styles in adults mirrors that seen in infants: about 60% secure, with the remainder split between anxious and avoidant.
Application to Romantic Love
Adults with different attachment styles may report experiencing romantic love in distinct ways, and it is important to note this is subject to changing contexts and seen within a spectrum.
Let’s firstly consider the concept of "internal working models". These are mental representations of our self and others that guide relationship expectations and behaviours. These models are shaped by early interactions with caregivers and persist into adulthood. Our relationship attachment styles are influenced by our beliefs about love, trust in others, and our self-worth. For example, secure individuals are more likely to believe in enduring love and see themselves as likable, while avoidant individuals may doubt the value of romantic love and see themselves as self-sufficient.
Psychological wellbeing is also negatively predicted by attachment style and characterised by a strong need for approval. See the DRW Self-Esteem article.
How does this Relate to ‘Commitment’?
Modern day views find their origin in Independence Theory or Social Exchange Theory. In brief, we want to reduce our risk and maximise our perceived gain, to consider how satisfied we are, the amount of investment we have made, and what the quality of alternatives are.
In maladapative attachment patterns, we may also have unrealistic expectations about our partner’s availability and commitment. And in the extreme may even harbour a distorted view that they may have negative or even sinister motivations. This of course works against the purpose of a ‘relationship’ as a non-competitive entity where the goal is to maximise joint outcomes.
The good news is that data has consistently shown that commitment actually buffers against atttachment challenges. Commitment provides a secure base, and allow for relationship fluctuations to be absorbed. We can feel safer to be ourselves, to sometimes be closer and yet at other times apart, but always knowing the connection is still safely there.
Interestingly, there are also different types of commitment or ‘constraints’, which may differentially affect relationships. ‘Material’ or ‘Emotional’ constraints (or investments) e.g. owning a home or getting a pet, or deep personal disclosures or shared experiences can positively boost committment, while ‘Felt’ constraints e.g. feeling trapped can be triggering for Avoidant attachers.
“I notice people who have unrealistic or shifting expectations tend to have trouble staying in a somewhat stable relationship. ”
Advice
The first consideration is to know your attachment style and ideally that of your prospective partner. Often this may only rear its hydra-like heads under duress. The attachment system after all is there to instinctually protect us. If we perceive rejection for instance, an Anxious attacher will tend to use emotion-focused hyperactivated coping strategies to keep their partner engaged. Avoidants will often shut down emotionally to maintain automony and control thereby protecting from loss and pain. If a person hits the quinella of both, there may be a oscillation between pushing a person away (while actually craving intimacy) and then feeling anxious when they are away or emotionally disengaged.
If you’re working through anxious or avoidant attachment, know that healing is absolutely possible with the right support and tools. Start by considering professional therapeutic options that can guide your journey.
Firstly, I think even as we age we can always consider ‘Self-Parenting’ ourselves. Take time to connect with your inner child—acknowledge what you needed and didn’t receive, and start giving that to yourself now.
Self-compassion and emotional regulation and self-reflection is often the key here. Mindfulness practices, like deep breathing or meditation can help calm intense emotions and reduce the urge to withdraw. Work on developing distress tolerance, so you can stay present even during tough moments.
More formally, techniques such as CBT can help us to recognise and shift negative thought patterns, like assuming betrayal or rejection. Schema Therapy goes even deeper, addressing unmet childhood needs that may still affect our relationships today. Interpersonal Therapy and couples or family counseling can also strengthen communication skills and help build safer and more understanding connections with those close to us.
Clear and compassionate communication is essential for building trust and emotional safety. Work out what your emotional needs are and practice asking direct questions rather than making assumptions—this simple step can prevent a lot of unnecessary conflict!
Be open about your needs and boundaries early on and even something as small as asking for regular verbal check-ins can go a long way. When challenges arise it is best to try and frame these as ‘shared issues’ rather than blaming either side. This mindset fosters collaboration and deepens emotional intimacy.
Fostering committment is also a necessary ingredient to provide a secure attachment base. For those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, while commitment is a crucial component for relationship fulfilment, this may need to be approached in a gradual regulated manner, with open communication when maladaptive attachment behaviours are triggered. Over time increased trust and intimacy will ensue if patience and compassion can be fostered.
Take Home Tips
Know your Attachment Style- Be aware that often it may be easiest to identify in times of dating or relationship stress
Anxious- Work on boosting self-worth and personal boundaries, temper hypervigilance/reactivity, and pursue lifestyle and cognitive management of stress
Avoidant- Recognise the triggers which may cause shut-down and avoidance behaviours. Work on gratitude, optimism, and regulated intimacy (i.e. build this over time with the cultivation of trust and commitment)
Anxious/Avoidant- Be aware of the push-pull dynamic and identify which phase you may be in. Partners need to be aware of this dynamic and ideally patiently assist in providing a safe space for communication with established commitment (also allowing for times when space is needed). Increasing gratitude is also an antidote given research showing the relationship with this attachment style and reduced wellbeing
Secure- We can always work on good communication and consideration for other’s attachment challenges
‘Re-Parent’ yourself- Self-compassion and positive self-talk in combination with mindfulness and cognitive/emotional/behavioural regulation techniques can help us provide our own secure attachment
Lived Experience
So let’s hear from our lived experience guest: EB aged 46 (F)
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Have you ever come across the idea that our early relationships with caregivers might shape how we behave in adult relationships?
EB: This makes sense given our first relationships are with our parents. I think we observe and mimic some of the exchanges or dynamics between parents. I know there is a lot of literature that examines how patterns develop from childhood and how we recreate these familiar relationships as adults - even if they are unhealthy. For some people, they may actively avoid intimate partners who trigger certain emotions.
What were some key experiences affecting your childhood parental attachment which may have affected your adult relationships?
EB: Perhaps this reflects my need to find a partner who is reliable and risk averse. This contrasts with one of my parental figures who was impulsive and absent. I feel that sometimes we may seek out the exact opposite of what our parents were like if there were childhood attachment issues.
When you think about how people connect emotionally in relationships, what patterns have you noticed that help or hinder long-term commitment?
EB: I notice people who have unrealistic or shifting expectations tend to have trouble staying in a somewhat stable relationship. The relationship can be highly conditional. When I say stable, that can mean many things to different people; but I think it is a relationship that is mutually satisfying and both people share a common view on how they want to operate in each other's lives (with a longer term outlook).
Do you believe some people naturally find it easier or harder to commit in relationships? What factors do you think play into that?EB: You mean independent of their early attachment to a primary figure? Surely personality traits, temperaments, and even social demographics and education play a part. You look at communities where people get married younger yet it doesn't mean their relationships are always healthy. They may find commitment quite straight forward and are maintaining a generational pattern.
Have you noticed any common challenges people face when trying to stay committed in modern relationships—especially when emotional needs aren't being met?
EB: Resentment is a common feeling among many men and women I know- internal bargaining around staying or exiting and wondering what is reasonable to expect from their partner and how to get their needs met. These days it seems these Gen Zeez are happier being alone than settling for less than ideal. Ultimately true commitment comes from a decision and a choice which we make, and I guess it is always up to the individual to weigh up the worth of that choice.
The Wrap
So can us adults who were not blessed with Secure attachment styles from childhood be able to build that foundation in adulthood? Yes. Like all psychological challenges it takes time and self-work, but it is possible.
Of course we also need to consider a crucial factor in any scenario, that involving the actual person we are dating or pursuing a relationship with… While it may be unkind (and potentially discriminatory) to advertise on our dating profiles that only those ‘Secure Attachment’ apply! We do need at the very least to be aware of our own state of play in this area and ideally where the other person also fits along the attachment spectrum.
We may feel quite secure with some people, while others may trigger our compulsion to avoid/detach/escape, or evoking potential anxiety from fear of abandonment. As usual self-awareness and communication is the key. Ultimately, we need to still take responsibility for our own self-parenting and emotional regulation.
Sometimes the attachment dynamic may be too triggering for some couples. Therapy can certainly help, but it can also be a perpetual struggle, and as someone once told me, we all have pointy bits. We just need to be with someone who has compatible spikes- perhaps like a lock and key rather than two porcupines mating.
~DRW
Key References
Fraley RC, Shaver PR (2000). Adult Romantic Attachment: Theoretical Developments Emerging Controversies and Unanswered Questions. Review of General Psychology; 4: 132-154
Hazan C, Shaver P (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 52(3): 511–524
Stanley SM, Rhoades GK, Whitton SW (2010). Commitment: Functions, formation, and the securing of romantic attachment. Journal of Family Theory & Review; 2(4): 243–257
